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Rumor Roundup: 'A research note to investors'

Did you know? You can say literally anything that pops into your head about Apple, and if you pass it off as a "research note to investors," rumor blogs will be on that like seagulls on a dropped French fry.

Here's my research note to investors:

Apple CEO Tim Cook has diverted billions of dollars into Apple's so-called "special projects" division. He has been spotted at work looking haggard and exhausted, as though he hasn't been sleeping particularly well lately.

A mysterious, black vehicle was spotted emerging from beneath Apple headquarters in Cupertino; meanwhile, reports from the criminal underworld in the Silicon Valley area claim that a shadowy figure has been beating thugs to a pulp during the fog-filled nights.

According to highly reliable sources in the Asian supply chain, Tim Cook is Batman.

The iPhone 6's killer feature tipped to be the display... but not because of its size (BGR)

BGR passes along a "report" from Forbes, and Forbes' "proof" that the next-gen iPhone will feature this rumored technology boils down to:

  • The company CEO says the first phone with a "quantum dot" display will come out in the middle of this year
  • Many (completely spurious and stupid) rumors have claimed the iPhone 6 will come out in the middle of this year

And voila, a new head injury is born as I repeatedly slam my head against the desk over the sheer dumbness wafting off of this "analysis."

Broadcom's new 5G Wi-Fi chip with 802.11ac, 2x2 MIMO could be tapped for future iPhone (AppleInsider)

From the article: "Broadcom says the chip is already being produced, but did not specify when quantities would be reach levels necessary for wide distribution." (sic)

In other words, don't be surprised if this chip doesn't show up in the next iPhone.

What we might see in the next Apple TV (Macworld)

This analysis is far more cogent and logical than absolutely anything any "analyst" has ever said about Apple's plans for television. People have spent the past three years reading the tea leaves over a single paragraph in Walter Isaacson's biography of Steve Jobs (the one where he claimed to have "cracked" television), and the speculation has run wild, free and stupid ever since.

Apple sapphire supplier's projected 2H14 revenues likely indicate fall iPhone launch (9to5 Mac)

This, of course, depends upon the presumption that Apple intends to use sapphire overlays for displays on the iPhone, and not some other product... either one that already exists or one yet to be announced. It also depends on the next source being wrong, <sarcasm>which is unlikely because he seems totally reliable and definitely knows what he's talking about</sarcasm> ...

New report says iPhone 6 will launch in July (BGR)

Some analyst's "report" claims the iPhone will launch in July. I've never heard of this guy before, nor the firm he works for, so obviously everything he says about Apple is worth taking at face value. Especially considering his "sources" for this "report" -- supply chain checks in Asia.

It should be blindingly obvious by now to anyone with more than a small handful of greymatter inside their skull that analysts like this one have absolutely no idea about what Apple will do in the future, and so-called "reports" like this one are pure white noise. Yet BGR and multiple other rumor blogs go on publishing their nonsense anyway, despite literally years worth of precedent for the fact that these types of "reports" are fundamentally worthless.

Anyone still passing on analysts' "research notes to investors" as though they constitute actual news should have all their fingers chopped off so they can never inflict this nonsense on us again. And no, I don't think that's too extreme; my first impulse was to smack them all into a coma with their own keyboards.

Stop. Paying attention. To analysts. Full stop.

The worst "APPLE IS DOOMED" bull**** we've read in a loooong time: Five features the iPhone 6 'must have to stay in the game' (BGR)

BGR calling BS on someone else's "APPLE IS DOOMED" piece seems rather like if Fox News called out another media outlet for having a right-wing slant to its politics. Ironic isn't quite the correct word. I think the correct word rhymes with "hippo critical."

Apple preparing software update to enhance functionality of iPhone 5s Touch ID (AppleInsider)

Since the claims in this story seem well within the realm of possibility and aren't sourced from analysts or "the Far East," I'll call this one plausible.

Apple Stores discounting Apple TV w/ $25 iTunes card ahead of new hardware rumored for spring (9to5 Mac)

The promo exists - that's a verifiable fact. The connection to supposed new hardware, however, received a "Nope" from Jim Dalrymple of The Loop, who has a 100 percent accuracy record in such matters.

Apple has the size, Google has the momentum, but the smart money has been on BlackBerry in 2014 (BGR)

This is not a headline from The Onion or any of its countless imitators. Someone writing for BGR honestly believes that 2014 is BlackBerry's year.

If BlackBerry still exists as a company in any meaningful way by this time in 2016, I will be very surprised.

Upcoming Apple TV Product Will Include Video Game Support, Launch Date Unclear (MacRumors)

The rumor mill seems particularly obsessed with the Apple TV lately, though thankfully the speculation has steered away from the perennially ridiculous "HDTV" concept and focused instead on an update to the current set-top box.

If these "sources" keep saying "Apple TV update coming any week now" long enough, eventually they will be right. In the same vein, if you put a blind guy in front of a dartboard and give him an unlimited supply of darts (plus regular bathroom breaks), eventually he'll hit the bullseye.

Apple Launching 'iOS In The Car' Next Week With Ferrari, Volvo and Mercedes-Benz (MacRumors)

Turns out we didn't have to wait a week to find out if this is true; it is.

As a full-time motorcycle rider, all I can think of with regard to CarPlay is, "Great, maybe this will help all those blind, dazed idiots pay slightly more attention to the road and what's in front of them... Yeah, right."

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