Decoding Apple’s Q4 2013 Earnings Call for Everyday Users

Apple’s quarterly financial disclosures often turn into a spectacle, with analysts and enthusiasts alike trying to decode every word from the company’s executives to foresee Apple’s future trajectory.

At TUAW, we delve deep into these numbers, which you can explore in our wrap-up post. However, for a lighter take, I’ve translated some of the key statements from the earnings call using my AppleSpeak Translator 4000. Here’s what we found:

Tim Cook: “We’re thrilled to conclude a fantastic year with a record-breaking revenue in the fourth quarter, driven by sales of nearly 34 million iPhones.”

Translation: “Alright, we’ve made a ton of cash and moved a lot of units.

Regardless of these facts, you’ll jot down your notes, and watch the stock fall post-call, as it invariably does.“

Tim Cook: “We take pride in being a positive influence in the world, beyond just our products.”

Translation: “Our products are eco-friendly, and we’re genuinely good folks. It’s practically illegal to dislike us.

Tim Cook: “The iPad Air is the most exceptional product we’ve ever created.”

Translation: “We’ve made it sleeker, lighter, and more potent… you know you want one just by looking at it.

Tim Cook: “We believe in our ability to innovate in categories we haven’t yet entered. We’re quite optimistic about that.”

Translation: “Sure, we could probably drop an iWatch before the winter ends if we wanted to, but have you seen Samsung struggle with their Galaxy Gear? We’ll just keep that idea on hold for now.

Tim Cook: “The iPhone 5c represents our mid-tier product.”

Translation: “Don’t ever expect a cheap iPhone.

Apple doesn’t do cheap.“

Tim Cook: “We had a solid quarter in China.”

Translation: “For the first time, we launched an iPhone in China on day one, which shows our commitment to expanding in this market.

Tim Cook: “We still see the tablet market as enormous. We view it as a significant opportunity. We focus not just on market share, but on user engagement and satisfaction, which are paramount to us.”

Translation: “Despite the rise of Android and Kindle in the tablet space, we won’t compromise on the iPad’s quality just to sell a cheaper model.


Justin is a dedicated writer for TUAW, bringing a wealth of knowledge and enthusiasm to the Apple news community. With a keen eye for detail, Justin covers everything from the latest iPhone releases to in-depth reviews of the MacBook Pro and Apple Watch. His insightful articles help readers stay informed about the ever-evolving world of Apple products. Justin’s expertise and approachable writing style make him a trusted voice for Apple enthusiasts everywhere.