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Five great features of the iPhone 5s I don't have

Hey, this iPhone 5s that I don't have is really great, so I thought I'd share some of the new features with you. First, let's watch my unboxing video:

Wasn't that great? Yes, since the order system coughed last night during my first try -- when it said the phone would ship in one to three days -- I have an imaginary iPhone, and the nonexistent box is just beautiful. Inside that gorgeous box is a gold, 32 GB iPhone 5s. It's the same size and weight as my iPhone 5, but wow -- that gold!

1) The first feature I'm not using today is the Touch ID fingerprint recognition system. Wow, what a great way to unlock your iPhone. If I had one, I'd just place my finger on this beautiful gold ring right here and bam! There's my home screen. It's so good to know that I won't have to tap that four-digit passcode into the phone again... at least after October 8-10 when I actually have my iPhone 5s in hand.

2) This 64-bit A7 processor... all I can say is WOW. Everything would seem so smooth, so effortless if only I really had the iPhone 5s. It makes the iPhone 5 I actually have seem like a 1973 Chevy Vega trying to make it over a steep mountain pass.

3) Ermagerd -- the fit and finish on my nonexistent iPhone 5s is incredible! The gold isn't flashy at all; in fact the entire phone looks rather refined. I'm glad I got to wait for three weeks for this. Those delicately chamfered edges are astounding in my imagination.

4) The camera. Oh. My. God. I'm selling my DSLR. I just filled the storage of my device by taking one long burst-mode picture that took up 1,200 frames! (It's a picture of my cat). And the slo-mo mode video? Well, all I can say is that if I was actually able to take videos of myself getting out of a chair, it would be even more slo-mo than usual. That faster lens and the True Tone flash will be perfect for taking photos of food in dim restaurants.

5) The official Apple leather case. It's made from premium leather, which ... comes from premium cows. And wow, it's like they took a microfiber cleaning cloth and lined the case with it. Now the back of the iPhone 5s I don't have will be shiny and clean all the time, unlike the front, which will still have hand and face prints on it.

And there you have it. My first-hand review of the iPhone 5s that I don't have. I hope you enjoyed not using this incredible new iPhone as much as I did.