In an interesting -- not to say wildly speculative -- essay, Slate Magazine's Karim Bardeesy says that Apple should take some of its $28 billion and start a bank.

During Wednesday's conference call, Apple CFO Peter Oppenheimer made it clear that the company was looking to keep its cash right where it is. Anecdotal evidence suggests that now might not exactly be the best time to get one's feet wet in high finance, but Bardeesy does make a few interesting points.

First, if Apple takes $15 billion of its own cash, at "regulated reserve ratios," Apple could offer $100 billion in loans. Couple that with the company's tech savvy and trustworthy brand, Bardeesy says, and you're looking at an opportunity to "revolutionize the industry."

Second, Bardeesy suggests creating an internet-only bank, taking deposits from everyday people -- via an iPhone fund transfer app, of course. He says the rise of Internet banks isn't unprecedented: just look at how popular they were in Iceland! (Ignore for now those banks' participation in the total collapse of Iceland's banking system.)

And how about a slice of that sweet, sweet government bailout? Apple can have some -- if it's a bank. "Goodie side benefits to banking status include access to some of that TARP money and a steady revenue stream to smooth out any bumps in retail demand for other Apple products," he writes. Contradictorily, in his final sentence, Bardeesy chides the banking industry for "pocketing taxpayer billions while sending nary a penny [his] way." You can't have it both ways, buddy.

In sum, Bardeesy admits that "Apple has prided itself on sticking to its knitting and not indulging in diversionary acquisitions or enterprises." He claims, however, that "an exception can be made when economy and country are at stake and profits are on the table."

Can it? Really?

Thanks to everyone who sent this in.

CNET and The Mac Observer noted a legal filing on Friday that suggested Apple and Psystar were looking to bypass the normal lawsuit process and enter a phase of private arbitration and mediation.

The filing notes that Apple and Psystar will participate in the Alternative Dispute Resolution (ADR) process, a way to keep legal costs down -- and the outcome private. For famously secretive Apple, this agreement seems right up their alley.

The agreement means the two companies will enter non-binding arbitration, present their case to a neutral party, and work out a deal through mediation.

This all probably comes down to one thing: cash money. Psystar has nowhere near the cash reserves that Apple has, so this less-expensive option is attractive to them. It's attractive to Apple because if they lose, the decision is kept under wraps. As CNET's Tom Krazit notes, if Apple is guilty of Psystar's antitrust accusations, it could hurt their other cases where they're accused of the same thing.

Of course, we'll know for certain the outcome simply by seeing if Psystar continues to sell their computers (or not) after January 31, when the ADR sessions wrap up.

[Via AppleInsider.]

Update: According to Psystar's attorneys, Apple and Psystar were ordered into the mediation by the court. According to several of our commenters, ADR is a common practice. Soulbarn says: "It is practically mandatory. It would be a surprise if it didn't happen, no matter who the case involved, big or small, famous or not famous, precedent-setting or non-precedent setting. It is part of the normal legal process." Thanks, everyone!

Not unlike this guy, Apple is going to need avalanche insurance for the mountain of cash that it's sitting on.

According to BusinessWeek, Apple has amassed $20.8 billion in cash and short-term investments, adding nearly $1 billion each and every quarter. It's not necessarily odd for a company to have a lot of cash (Microsoft, for example, has $23 billion socked away), but it's beginning to irk the investors.

If Apple's stock price continues to rise, everyone's happy. But if it starts to dip, experts say Apple should consider investments like acquisitions (possibly in the music business) or raw materials and components.

Matt Asay of Cnet is suggesting something probably unpopular with the Cupertino crowd: tax it. Since Apple's profit margins (as a percentage of sales) are higher than Exxon's, Apple might fall prey to Congress' plan to tax windfall profits, if it becomes law.

Apple CFO Peter Oppenheimer said earlier this year that "Our preference is to maintain a strong balance sheet in order to preserve our flexibility." Charles Wolf of Needham & Co. says the company doesn't need more than $5 billion on hand, but he'd be more worried "if this was a sleepy company with no growth."

"That's not Apple," Wolf said.

Where's all that cash that Apple made from the iPhone and all those iPods, Macs, and iTunes downloads last year going? Why, right into Apple's mattress. According to the Financial Times, Apple currently has $18 billion sitting on their balance sheet, doing nothing much at all. And they're OK with that -- Apple CFO Peter Oppenheimer recently said in the Q1 conference call that they like having that "flexibility." And after all, you never know when you might need to drop $18 billion on something important.

All that money doing nothing isn't so great for Apple's investors though, some of whom apparently want a piece of the pie. They might like to see dividends, stock buybacks, or even actual spending come out of that on Apple's part (later in the piece, I'm surprised to see that Apple only spends 3% of their sales on R&D, while Microsoft spends 14%). But no -- Apple is flush with cash from all their big sales numbers, and they want to apparently stay that way.

[Via Ars]