We got a chance to sit down (virtually) with the unofficial version of everyone's favorite iCEO, via his alter ego & consigliere Dan Lyons. Fake Steve's perspective is always unique and sometimes astonishing; read on.

TUAW: Fake Steve, thanks for taking time out of your busy schedule to speak with me. Before we begin this, I'd like to start off by saying that, on behalf of everyone, it is wonderful to see you in good health and back at the helm of Apple. Phil Schiller did a fine job in your absence, but the man has no stage presence. And Tim Cook's droning voice could put even sugar-fed hyperactive children to sleep -- what a snoozer.

First question: Let's talk about Microsoft. The company recently released its newest operating system, Windows 7, and with it an experimental chain of branded retail stores that largely copy Apple's own concept, right down to the inclusion of in-store support centers, called Guru bars. Your thoughts?

FSJ: Microsoft still hasn't realized that its copycat business model (also known as a "close follower" strategy) doesn't work anymore. For 20 or 25 years this company just waited for others to innovate, then copied the innovation and sold it for less - and this worked great for them. But this stopped working right around 2000 or so. The rest of the world just moves too fast now. Look, they're still trying to catch Google in search, and they've got what -- one percent market share? Same thing for Zune, right?

Well, keep fighting the good fight on that one, you morons. As for the stores, well, they look nice enough, since they copied ours. But in terms of how well they'll do? Come on. Their stores are a joke and they've arrived too late. The whole point of being a close follower is you have to follow closely. We opened our first store in 2001 and we've got something like four thousand of them in the United States alone. I know you're going to tell me I'm a bit off on that number, and, well, maybe so. But I still say we've got four thousand stores and if I say it enough times, people will believe me. Anyway, the other thing Microsoft seems not to understand is that it's not enough just to open a store -- you need to have something cool to put in that store. That might be a problem for them.

TUAW: Their mobile strategy has fallen flat on its face. Windows Mobile, now renamed Windows Phone, is clearly way behind OSX iPhone. Windows Mobile 6.5 is a stopgap measure at best. Windows Mobile 7 is another year away from shipping on devices. And with the recent Danger debacle, the future looks bleak for Microsoft. Do they stand a snowball's chance in hell of ever competing with you? Do you even care?

FSJ: Wait a minute. Microsoft makes mobile phone software? I didn't know that. Are you serious?

TUAW: Speaking of companies that are universally despised. Your contract with AT&T, as the exclusive carrier for the iPhone, is due to expire soon. Tell me you don't plan to continue shackling iPhone to this single carrier?

FSJ: If it is the last thing I do, I will get us off AT&T. By Grabthar's hammer, by the sons of Worvan, this shall be done. Look for news on this early next year.

TUAW: Moving on to Google. With the introduction of Android 2.0 and increasing product introductions like the recent Verizon Droid, Google is slowly gaining traction in the market. How badly do you want to drive hat pins into Eric Schmidt's testicles?

FSJ: Well, very badly, except that Eric Schmidt does not have testicles. Lot of people don't know that. But if he did have them, yes, I would want to harm them. A lot. The guy sat here in our board meetings and listened to all of our product plans and then just stole all of our ideas. I mean he sat here -- right here -- talking to me, asking me questions. I'm sorry. This just gets me really upset. Sniff. Can we move on?

Man, I head out for a few days (I've been away at BlizzCon, reporting for our online gaming cousin WoW Insider), and Fake Steve got burnt. Not by us, of course-- we made a promise to not care about the identity of Fake Steve, and we still don't. But we're not the only site on the Internet, and the real Fake Steve is out there. So the question then becomes: now what?

FSJ himself claims it's not over, though he is taking a short break. Forbes is going to sponsor the blog, although it's not clear what "sponsoring" means in that context. All we care about is that we still get Fake Steve-- the wacky ramblings and sparkling insights of Steve Jobs. Is that what we'll get? As Gruber points out, it's probably not. FSJ's last post is not in the voice of Steve Jobs; it's in the voice of someone pretending to be him. The curtain is falling already.

There's an interesting parallel to this, and it's newsworthy, too: Bree, as of last Friday, is dead. Lonelygirl15, the young woman who took over YouTube and then was discovered to be the product of an imagination, was killed in the final online episode of her story. When Lonelygirl15 was outed, I was just as intrigued as I was with the mystery of FSJ-- who is she and what is this really all about? But when the mystery was revealed, I grew bored with it, and a look at the last Lonelygirl video tells me that I didn't miss much-- the stuff that attracted me in the first place (an interesting form, a simple, mysterious conceit) has long since been abandoned for a huge, boring cast and a formulaic plot (a group called "The Order" features prominently). Once Lonelygirl admitted she was fake, she became so.

So the worry with Fake Steve is that the same thing will happen. Gruber thinks we're in denial, but we're not-- when a newspaper editor told Virginia there was a Santa Claus, was he denying the truth? We want Fake Steve-- a witty, insightful blog from a Steve Jobs who pretends that he's real, sounds like he's real, and therefore is real. We just worry that now that the bubble's broken, Fake Steve won't stick to his guns and stay real.

The other day, I posted a little summary of the latest attempts to discover the identity of anonyblogger Fake Steve Jobs. At the time, I thought finding FSJ's identity out would be a good time, a fun mystery to solve. Many of you (most of you, I'd say) disagreed, saying that it didn't matter who FSJ was-- as long as he wrote strong, insightful (and often hilarious) pieces about what Apple was up to, you were willing to let him have his anonymity. And after hearing your good points, I have to tell you (because this doesn't happen very often): I changed my mind, and decided to agree with those who wanted FSJ to stay FSJ.

Then, today, FSJ decided to post this, his first thoughts on people trying to discover his identity. With FSJ, you can never tell when he's joking, but he makes it pretty clear that he's had an experience he doesn't want to have. And the finger is pointed directly at Valleywag, who respond as you'd expect them to, calling the post a set of "rambling accusations."

So here's what we're going to do at TUAW. We've heard your opinions. We've talked it over as a staff, and we've agreed: FSJ is much more fun as FSJ himself, not some writer pretending to be him. And so we're pledging, to you, not to write any more speculation, ever, about FSJ's identity. You're exactly right-- it's much more fun having him anonymous, for both him and us. He's a great insight on Apple's comings and goings, and if he doesn't want us to know who he is, we don't want to either. Here at TUAW, we're going to leave Fake Steve Jobs fake.