Filed under: Humor, iLife, Cult of Mac, Apple, Macbook Pro
Most. Effusive. MacBook Pro. Review. Ever.
SF Gate columnist Mark Morford really loves his new MacBook Pro. He loves it so much he wants to lick it. He says so in the very title of his most recent column: "When Apple Rules The World - What does it mean when you really, really want to lick a new MacBook Pro, and swoon?" And the gushing doesn't stop there... In one of the most erotic reviews of a computer you'll ever read, Mark calls his new, um, friend (with benefits, apparently), a "lick-ready smooth-as-love Apple MacBook Pro Core 2 Duo Super Orgasm Deluxe Ultrahard Modern Computing Device Designed by God Herself Somewhere in the Deep Moist Vulva of Cupertino Yes Yes Don't Stop Oh My God Yes." And he gushes on: "silky hunk of aluminum and wire and divine Chinese factory-made love," "delivered into my hands by a squad of naked cooing angels who all happened to look exactly like Jenna Jameson or perhaps Eva Green and who also gave me a free foot massage and four hits of premium Ecstasy and a complimentary 3-hour tongue bath, all at the same time," "coated in some sort of hot golden fairy dust," "as an owner of one of these new Core 2 Duos I am here to tell you these hot little MacBook bitches are full of sound and fury, signifying everything."
Of Apple products in general he says they are "freely adorned with a luminous halo that tastes of hope and sex and candy. Their incandescent tech junk possesses a reek, a perfectly intoxicating stench that heralds another world, some sort of sleek well-lit utopia where people never steal and vibrators are free and dolphins teach babies to sing," "you swear you hear some sort of harmonious cosmic hum when you open their surprisingly gorgeous packaging," "merely rub your hand across the top of a MacBook or whip your thumb around the click wheel of an iPod and notice: Feel that throb? That's your id saying mmmmmmm."
Ah, poetry.
What Mark has written isn't really a review, though. Other than some raves about the impact of iMovie and the iLife suite on his social life he hardly talks about the performance of the MBP at all. Like a lover in the first blush of romance, Mark is blind to the temptresses potential faults and flaws. He hasn't thought about how quickly those hot nights can turn cold when his baby shuts down on him. He doesn't yet know how hot is too hot. And it won't be long before he realizes that the noises coming from her side of the bed aren't moans of pleasure, but whines of pain.
Yeah, ok - so I'm jealous and bitter and jaded. Still, I'm rooting for Mark and his new paramour. She obviously makes him happy and he gets along well with her family, which is nothing to scoff at. But seriously, Mark - get your hands off your id and go take a cold shower. You're starting to freak people out!
Thanks, Troy!
![TUAW [Cafepress]](http://www.blogsmithmedia.com/www.tuaw.com/media/tuaw-cafepress-promo.png)
Reader Comments (Page 1 of 2)
andy said 9:50AM on 11-21-2006
didnt have time to read it but sounds like its more a discovery of OSX, i like it when people have that moment of realisation
Reply
Jim Hillhouse said 10:18AM on 11-21-2006
Like Mark, I too love my MacBook Pro Core 2 Duo--this one finally hits the sweet spot (no pun intended) of everything anyone, or at least I, would seek in a computer. Trim yet sturdy, beautiful but not guady, subtle though noticable, cooler but more powerful, untamed though restrained, the new MacBook Pro has so much to love and nothing to hate. And she never, ever shuts down unexpectedly nor does her temper explode unexpectedly. And though she may be warm on my lap, she's never too to hot to take. And while whines of pain are the cup of tea of some, though not I, her occasional breathlessness only shows how hard she is working to make me happy while keeping her own passions in check and focused.
As with many things, sometimes you have to wade through to get where, what, or who you want. In the end, both the journey and the resulting reward are more than worth the cost. That too is true of the new MacBook Pro.
Reply
Alex said 10:01AM on 11-21-2006
The C2D MBPs are very cool to the touch; I can keep mine on my lap, no burn, while rendering photoshop filters.
Reply
Ian MacLeod said 10:17AM on 11-21-2006
"The C2D MBPs are very cool to the touch; I can keep mine on my lap, no burn, while rendering photoshop filters."
Same experience. My C2D MBP is by far the coolest laptop I've had, even under full load.
Reply
sight_unseen said 10:23AM on 11-21-2006
Well written Laurie.
Reply
Victor Agreda Jr said 10:44AM on 11-21-2006
Yeah, I give him a few months to crud it up with a ton or apps, hacks, and stuff and watch it grind to a slow groan once in a while. No where near the cruft of Windows, but OS X has its share... I know, I need to quit "abusing" my machine ;)
Reply
kevin said 10:28AM on 11-21-2006
so the core 2 duo macbook pros are cooler than previous generation... what about the macbook?
Reply
christine said 10:35AM on 11-21-2006
Yes yes yes the new macbook pro is amazing!!! I'm so in love with mine. I used to think that nothing could top my G4 Powerbook but I'm so wrong.
Reply
Paul Logan said 10:58AM on 11-21-2006
Sounds like his didn't screw up 3hrs after using it for the first time, then spend 2hrs on the phone, then waiting "another" 2 weeks for the replacement to pitch up. One day I will be able to "switch" from my old trusty t30, if apple give me the ability to. Oh and his didnt run out of ram after itunes grabbed 400mb of ram to show some cover art...
Reply
MacCrazy said 11:30AM on 11-21-2006
This guy has serious issues. Is he single by any chance? lol
Reply
Troy McClure SF said 11:36AM on 11-21-2006
Yay, my first greenlight!
Oh... forgot what site I was on. Carry on.
Reply
SubGenius said 12:25PM on 11-21-2006
I doubt Steve will be quoting him in his keynote address along with Walt Mossberg and david Pouge.
Reply
Gandhi said 12:57PM on 11-21-2006
I love my Macbook too, but that's just creepy
Reply
jen said 1:03PM on 11-21-2006
This is the more pulpy literary version of the song "a laptop like you" by Jonathon Coulton, written about his powerbook.
Reply
PlanetaryGear said 2:06PM on 11-21-2006
oh lay off the heat, they got that fixed! I just encoded a DVD while this new modem macbook pro was sitting on my lap and it was less warm when it was finished than my last powerbook was just surfing the net. Wasn't even uncomfortable.
Reply
kami said 2:35PM on 11-21-2006
I love this guy's rant... it sounds like he discovered Oh SeX, not just OSX. But that's pretty much how I feel about a company and product that's done exactly what he says, bring grace and ease of use and a fluency and design to something so that it seems like magic, not metal. His girlfriend's book looks great, too. I wish someone this passionate wrote for my friggin' lame ass regional newspaper.
Reply
yen Lai said 2:34PM on 11-21-2006
Gayest. MacBook Pro. Review. Ever.
Reply
Mr. Krinkle said 4:13PM on 11-21-2006
This guy needs some serious help. In the mental department, and the girl department.
Reply
pesc said 9:48AM on 11-22-2006
MacBook Pr0n? ;-)
Reply
Jacob said 11:04PM on 11-21-2006
"16. Gayest. MacBook Pro. Review. Ever."
My thoughts exactly. Yay San Francisco!
Reply