Back to Mobile View

Skip to Content

Most. Effusive. MacBook Pro. Review. Ever.

SF Gate columnist Mark Morford really loves his new MacBook Pro. He loves it so much he wants to lick it. He says so in the very title of his most recent column: "When Apple Rules The World - What does it mean when you really, really want to lick a new MacBook Pro, and swoon?" And the gushing doesn't stop there... In one of the most erotic reviews of a computer you'll ever read, Mark calls his new, um, friend (with benefits, apparently), a "lick-ready smooth-as-love Apple MacBook Pro Core 2 Duo Super Orgasm Deluxe Ultrahard Modern Computing Device Designed by God Herself Somewhere in the Deep Moist Vulva of Cupertino Yes Yes Don't Stop Oh My God Yes."

And he gushes on: "silky hunk of aluminum and wire and divine Chinese factory-made love," "delivered into my hands by a squad of naked cooing angels who all happened to look exactly like Jenna Jameson or perhaps Eva Green and who also gave me a free foot massage and four hits of premium Ecstasy and a complimentary 3-hour tongue bath, all at the same time," "coated in some sort of hot golden fairy dust," "as an owner of one of these new Core 2 Duos I am here to tell you these hot little MacBook bitches are full of sound and fury, signifying everything."

Of Apple products in general he says they are "freely adorned with a luminous halo that tastes of hope and sex and candy. Their incandescent tech junk possesses a reek, a perfectly intoxicating stench that heralds another world, some sort of sleek well-lit utopia where people never steal and vibrators are free and dolphins teach babies to sing," "
you swear you hear some sort of harmonious cosmic hum when you open their surprisingly gorgeous packaging," "merely rub your hand across the top of a MacBook or whip your thumb around the click wheel of an iPod and notice: Feel that throb? That's your id saying mmmmmmm."

Ah, poetry.

What Mark has written isn't really a review, though. Other than some raves about the impact of iMovie and the iLife suite on his social life he hardly talks about the performance of the MBP at all. Like a lover in the first blush of romance, Mark is blind to the temptresses potential faults and flaws. He hasn't thought about how quickly those hot nights can turn cold when his baby shuts down on him. He doesn't yet know how hot is too hot. And it won't be long before he realizes that the noises coming from her side of the bed aren't moans of pleasure, but whines of pain.

Yeah, ok - so I'm jealous and bitter and jaded. Still, I'm rooting for Mark and his new paramour. She obviously makes him happy and he gets along well with her family, which is nothing to scoff at. But seriously, Mark - get your hands off your id and go take a cold shower. You're starting to freak people out!

Thanks, Troy!

© 2014 AOL Inc. All Rights Reserved.