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Most. Effusive. MacBook Pro. Review. Ever.

by Laurie A. Duncan Nov 21st 2006 at 9:15AM

SF Gate columnist Mark Morford really loves his new MacBook Pro. He loves it so much he wants to lick it. He says so in the very title of his most recent column: "When Apple Rules The World - What does it mean when you really, really want to lick a new MacBook Pro, and swoon?" And the gushing doesn't stop there... In one of the most erotic reviews of a computer you'll ever read, Mark calls his new, um, friend (with benefits, apparently), a "lick-ready smooth-as-love Apple MacBook Pro Core 2 Duo Super Orgasm Deluxe Ultrahard Modern Computing Device Designed by God Herself Somewhere in the Deep Moist Vulva of Cupertino Yes Yes Don't Stop Oh My God Yes."

And he gushes on: "silky hunk of aluminum and wire and divine Chinese factory-made love," "delivered into my hands by a squad of naked cooing angels who all happened to look exactly like Jenna Jameson or perhaps Eva Green and who also gave me a free foot massage and four hits of premium Ecstasy and a complimentary 3-hour tongue bath, all at the same time," "coated in some sort of hot golden fairy dust," "as an owner of one of these new Core 2 Duos I am here to tell you these hot little MacBook bitches are full of sound and fury, signifying everything."

Of Apple products in general he says they are "freely adorned with a luminous halo that tastes of hope and sex and candy. Their incandescent tech junk possesses a reek, a perfectly intoxicating stench that heralds another world, some sort of sleek well-lit utopia where people never steal and vibrators are free and dolphins teach babies to sing," "you swear you hear some sort of harmonious cosmic hum when you open their surprisingly gorgeous packaging," "merely rub your hand across the top of a MacBook or whip your thumb around the click wheel of an iPod and notice: Feel that throb? That's your id saying mmmmmmm."

Ah, poetry.

What Mark has written isn't really a review, though. Other than some raves about the impact of iMovie and the iLife suite on his social life he hardly talks about the performance of the MBP at all. Like a lover in the first blush of romance, Mark is blind to the temptresses potential faults and flaws. He hasn't thought about how quickly those hot nights can turn cold when his baby shuts down on him. He doesn't yet know how hot is too hot. And it won't be long before he realizes that the noises coming from her side of the bed aren't moans of pleasure, but whines of pain.

Yeah, ok - so I'm jealous and bitter and jaded. Still, I'm rooting for Mark and his new paramour. She obviously makes him happy and he gets along well with her family, which is nothing to scoff at. But seriously, Mark - get your hands off your id and go take a cold shower. You're starting to freak people out!

Thanks, Troy!

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SF Gate columnist Mark Morford really loves his new MacBook Pro. He loves it so much he wants to lick it. He says so in the very title of...
 

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Sherman Homan

Humorous? Morford is out of his mind. That wasn't funny, it was weird. No man should be that aroused by a piece of electronic hardware.

November 26 2006 at 10:04 AM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply
Jacob

"16. Gayest. MacBook Pro. Review. Ever."

My thoughts exactly. Yay San Francisco!

November 21 2006 at 11:02 PM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply
pesc

MacBook Pr0n? ;-)

November 21 2006 at 7:39 PM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply
Slartibartfast

This guy needs some serious help. In the mental department, and the girl department.

November 21 2006 at 4:10 PM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply
yen lai

Gayest. MacBook Pro. Review. Ever.

November 21 2006 at 2:34 PM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply
David Poteet

I love this guy's rant... it sounds like he discovered Oh SeX, not just OSX. But that's pretty much how I feel about a company and product that's done exactly what he says, bring grace and ease of use and a fluency and design to something so that it seems like magic, not metal. His girlfriend's book looks great, too. I wish someone this passionate wrote for my friggin' lame ass regional newspaper.

November 21 2006 at 2:33 PM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply
PlanetaryGear

oh lay off the heat, they got that fixed! I just encoded a DVD while this new modem macbook pro was sitting on my lap and it was less warm when it was finished than my last powerbook was just surfing the net. Wasn't even uncomfortable.

November 21 2006 at 2:00 PM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply
Jen Segrest

This is the more pulpy literary version of the song "a laptop like you" by Jonathon Coulton, written about his powerbook.

November 21 2006 at 1:01 PM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply
Gandhi

I love my Macbook too, but that's just creepy

November 21 2006 at 12:57 PM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply
jomy

I doubt Steve will be quoting him in his keynote address along with Walt Mossberg and david Pouge.

November 21 2006 at 12:23 PM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply
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